Abuse by Proxy

I decided to start my podcast with a conversation about smear campaigns for a few reasons. But the main one is this: I personally believe a smear campaign is the most powerful weapon a manipulative person uses.

And most of us don’t even know it’s being used.

A few years ago, I didn’t know a thing about narcissism, especially the manipulative tactics associated with it. I had read the scriptures about ravenous wolves in sheep’s clothing, but I didn’t fully appreciate what that could look like in my everyday life.

Certainly not in someone I had known for years. Someone I considered a friend. Someone who appeared kind, loving and honest.

And definitely not in the church. We’re supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ, right?

I’ll be diving deeper into what a smear campaign is on my podcast, but at its core, it’s an intentional effort to damage someone’s reputation through lies, twisted truths, or information stripped of context. It can happen within a small circle of friends, spread throughout a church or workplace, or, for public figures, play out in front of millions. The scale may change, but the goal is the same: influence how people see someone and, ultimately, how they treat them.

Why would someone lie about another person? For many of us, that possibility doesn’t even enter our minds. And I believe that’s part of why a smear campaign can be so effective.

A room that suddenly feels different

Decades ago, I experienced this for the first time.

I would walk into a room that had once felt warm and welcoming, only to find that people were suddenly cold. Some were rude. Others turned their backs, and the change seemed to come out of nowhere.

Not for one second did I consider that someone I thought was my friend might have planned, ordered, and catered this table of pain just for me.

At the time, I didn’t know about smear campaigns. I just knew something had changed, and it hurt.

I recognize that a cold interaction alone doesn’t prove someone is spreading lies, but it doesn't take much for someone to know there's been a change.

When a person deliberately shapes a false or misleading narrative to turn others against someone, the impact can be devastating. And often, the person being targeted has no idea what has been said. They’re left trying to understand why relationships have changed while everyone else seems to have received a memo they never saw.

How the playbook works

Again, a smear campaign is an attempt to damage someone’s reputation and influence how others see or treat them. The story may include outright lies, pieces of truth without context, or details presented in a way that leads people to a false conclusion.

Now let's call it what this is. It's abuse. Full stop.

How does it start? The manipulative person just need to get to you first. (Interestingly enough, I've been learning through my masters studies that there's actually science behind this. I'll explore that more on the podcast....)

The person sharing the story may sound concerned. They may seem hurt. They may tell you something you have no reason to question because you’ve known them for years.

And then, without necessarily realizing it, you begin to treat the other person differently.

Maybe you’re less warm. Maybe you stop inviting them. Maybe you decide it’s best to keep your distance altogether.

The person at the center of the story may never know why.

Meanwhile, the person who shared it has gained something powerful: other people helping carry out the abuse. Not everyone who repeats a story knows it is false or intends to hurt someone. I know that because I’ve been on different sides of this, including the side of believing and helping perpetuate a story I should have questioned.

That is uncomfortable to admit. But I think we all need to be willing to ask ourselves: Have I ever treated someone differently because of a story I never examined?

Who has to prove what?

One reason I believe this tactic is so powerful is that the burden only falls on the person being talked about.

The storyteller is believed because of who they are, how long we’ve known them, or how convincing they sound. No questions asked. Yet, the person being discussed is expected to clear their name, sometimes without even knowing what they’re defending themselves against.

That’s a difficult position to be in. How do you answer an accusation you haven’t heard? How do you correct a story when you don’t know who has heard it?

And there’s another part we need to confront: when you spread lies or mistreat someone because you believed them, the wolf has successfully PULLED YOU INTO SIN. You may not have known the story was false, but your participation helped it do harm. This is abuse by proxy.

Proverbs 18:17 reminds us that the first person to present a case can sound right until another comes forward and examines it. How often have we stopped at the first account?

Matthew 18:15 speaks to going to a fellow believer about a sin against you. Matthew 5:23–24 addresses remembering that a brother has something against you and seeking reconciliation. Both passages challenge us to take relationships seriously rather than simply talking *about* someone to everyone else.

That doesn’t mean every situation should be handled alone or that someone experiencing abuse should be pressured into a private confrontation. Sometimes the wise step is to seek support and make sure the situation can be addressed safely.

But we can all be more thoughtful about what we accept and repeat. We can ask questions. We can be honest about what we actually know. And we can resist treating someone as guilty because a person we trust has told us a compelling story.

Why I’m talking about it

I’m beginning **Beyond Harmless** with smear campaigns because I want people to recognize this tactic from every vantage point: the person targeted, the person hearing the story, and the person being asked to carry it forward.

We’ll talk more about how smear campaigns work, the toll they take, and how we can respond without becoming part of someone else’s mistreatment. I'll even be sharing real-life examples.

If you’d like to learn more about how smear campaigns can show up in church settings, check out this very helpful VIDEO from Shaneen Megii. And take a look at my “Have You Considered?” REEL on Instagram.

Have you ever noticed your feelings toward someone change because of what another person told you?

Did you have an opportunity to examine the story for yourself?